On Sunday afternoon (which was yesterday although my brain continues to refuse to accept this fact, even after doing all of the Monday things), my cousin messaged me asking how my day was. I told her that I wasn’t getting as much done as I wanted to, but got more done that I had hoped for. There’s so much my brain wants to do, and my bodily capacity is not keeping up.
When she messaged me that, I was thinking about how grateful I was for the various people in my life that keep me accountable, and those around me that listen and empathize without judgement. I thought about the people in my circle that feel safe enough with me to tell me they’re feeling down and who I can safely share the same with. I was feeling a great deal of gratitude for those connections, and for the space I have been giving myself to not become mentally overwhelmed, even though I still felt a little guilty for not getting done all that I wanted to.
This morning one of my bonus Moms from childhood met me for a very hastily squeezed into my schedule late birthday lunch. I was late so our time was even more brief, but it was so good to see her and other family, even if it wasn’t for as long as I wanted. There I go over-planning again.
I’ve got deadlines and promises dancing in my mind, and sometimes they make me short of breath. My closest friends and family are my most avid supporters, and often ask me if I’m still doing this writing thing. I make a small, hesitant sigh while listing off in my mind the paperwork, business cards, and you know–actually telling people I exist part–that I am not doing and should be; and I say “yes, but not as much as I want to be. And I really should be blogging more.”
I’m stalling to buy those last few holiday gifts, and am still taking down Halloween decorations so I can put up my tree that I always put up and decorate on Dec. 1, and here it is 10:01 PM on Dec. 7… And I would typically follow that with some mental quip about how I’ve got to get it together. I’d be lamenting that the dishes aren’t done and I’ve washed the same damn load of laundry three times now because I keep forgetting it even exists!
But today, I don’t feel bad about ANY of that. Because today, on my very short glance into Facebook, Dawn Super of Going Beyond Coping posted this fantastic meme about people with chronic illnesses in her Positively Narcolepsy FB Group. The most impactful words on it for me were,
“…we all get 24 hours but they are definitely not. the. same.” Dawn Super, author, blogger and vlogger at: GoingBeyondCoping.com, Going Beyond Coping FB Page, and the Positively Narcolepsy FB Group.
I mean, so timely right?! And then I saw another raw and honest post about how exhausting this all is from Momma on the Rocks, and I thought of all my lovely and beautiful family and friends, and all the things we are separately going through. All of the hard, different things, but we still keep going.
Over the past week I have been expressing to those around me that I am working on accepting that my level of production will likely not ever match that of my neurotypical, chronic-illness-free peers. And that’s ok. It’s still a work in progress, but I really can’t thank Dawn enough for her words.
Because the things I am capable of doing in my own 24 hours, well, those things are amazing. Heather Romero, The Happy Typist
Please note, I am not sponsored by The Mama on the Rocks, nor Going Beyond Coping/Positively Narcolepsy. Nothing written here is a direct endorsement by either party and they may not agree with all I say. I am, however, deeply inspired by them. These were some of the people that shone light into my world again, through a glowing screen, when I thought all was lost and that the opportunity for my dreams had passed.