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Permanently Disabled–Temporarily

I have wandered aimlessly through most of my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I’ve been asked “what is your damage?!” I’ve been called a flake. I’ve been told I’m too young for all these problems, too smart to be struggling, that I just needed to “get my shit together.” “I, or they, or so-and-so can do it and they have x,y,z in their lives, why can’t you?”

Look in the mirror today and tell yourself “I’m proud of you.” You should be.

For over 30 years now, this is how I’ve muddled along. Trying one thing after another. Having more dreams than my body can hold or that my mind could manage. Having a child young and the maturity to know I had no business raising her. Worrying my whole life since about disappointing her with my lack of success. Getting married. Having another child. Learning new terms related to atypical, special needs, autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Dyslexia. Delays.

Realizing we’ve got this, looking at that little boy and going oh-my-goodness-I-can’t-get-enough-let’s-have-another! Getting pregnant again. Learning what it means to lose a child. Getting pregnant again. Living in gut wrenching, blood freezing fucking terror that she won’t make it for nine months. Giving birth and bringing her home, then not wanting to do anything but love on and hold forever the only girl, of three I have carried, that I get to keep.

Learning more words. Defiance. Opposition. DMDD. Executive functioning deficits. And then looking at them, and looking at the man I love and saying, hey, um, I recognize some things here. Seeking more diagnoses, now for him. And then for myself.

And then, through relentless pursuit after so many years, we now both know why we couldn’t get our shit together. (Did you know that many adults seek and receive an ADHD diagnosis after their children are diagnosed? There’s a pretty great read about it here:

Knowing your limits winds up making life a little bit more limitless. Through that relentless pursuit we obtained answers. And just as there are IEP’s in grade school, there are accommodations in higher learning institutions that are meant to help us succeed. It can be immensely frustrating to learn of a high mental ability in conjunction with a list of disabilities. These accommodations only allow brilliant minds (that appear to be) in “broken” bodies, to shine.

Now, he’s in his second year of college. And, although my physical and mental limitations mean that I am technically permanently disabled, I am starting two businesses. Because this time, we have the world on our side, because knowledge really is power.



I am a dreamer with her head in the clouds and one foot on the ground. Written word flows from me as a river does down a mountainside, and writing of any kind is something I do with great joy. I am an artist, an avid student of color theory and appreciator of DaVinci, Dali, and Dorothea Tanning. I am a student seeking to learn for the rest of her days. I am a wife who loves her husband for all he is, and a mother who loves her children for the same. I am me, and can only use words to describe what I do, not so much who I am.

4 thoughts on “Permanently Disabled–Temporarily

  1. Thank you for accepting me ❤️Hi I’m Melodie and I’m 55 living with undiagnosed and untreated adult ADHD. I’ve had it as far back at I can remember but back in the day when I was a kid, (say 10 yrs. old) ADHD was not heard of. Then as we got older it was thought that only kids suffered with ADHD. By then we were Young adults so we missed out then as well. Our generation kinda got left behind and we silently suffered in the background until here recently. Anyway, the past four years I’ve been here I’ve noticed the symptoms are more magnified and get stronger every month it seems. It’s almost unbearable now and when the tornado of hyper mode hits, I’m really hurting just riding it out. It’s driving me crazy.

    Long story short, the sliding scale clinic I go to claims they don’t have funding available for testing and treatment of ADHD. They even told me rarely do adults get it. Well I’ve had it almost my entire life bc I’ve researched like crazy and I know ALL there is to know about ADHD in adult women. So they either aren’t well educated there or else they just don’t care and it’s an excuse. Probably both, smh. 🙄
    I’m here for emotional support, tips too handle the illness better, any info you have, I want it! Thank you so much! I’m glad I’m here ❤️ I was hoping we could tweak and give this to each other’s boss bc mine is new and needs critiquing.. here is my blog and let’s both comment in the comment section after the blog

    Liked by 1 person

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